Today's a hard day. Tomorrow my step son's murderer either gets a new trial, the judge still has not issued her response to a motion for a new trial, or he gets sentenced for second degree murder. He could get from five to eighty years--and he's served a couple years incarcerated already (in jail, not prison). Oh, did I mention the trial was delayed for nearly three years and that sentencing has been moved about four times?
So today is a day. It's a tense day. It's a day exploding with love and rage. A day where I'm grateful for my life, my lover, and my experience. It's a day when I truly, sincerely, dedicate "Die MF Die" to the killer. While I'd prefer he atone in a sincere, authentic manner, I would not shed a tear if he just up and died.
Moving between these emotional polarities is intense. And I don't necessarily feel objective. Truth told, I give a fig about objectivity right now. So the digital writing I'm not doing today is grading. I won't be grading tomorrow, either. I probably won't grade this weekend, either--at least if I'm not feeling well or the killer gets a light sentence.
So I'm writing about not writing, not working on others' texts, not evaluating or assessing because I'm just not able to do so fairly.
Note: I am still writing--digitally--and composing, adding music here. Maybe captions there. I've not been able to find an image appropriate for me emotional state. How does one depict Love and Rage?
This will pass. But, for now, I just can't do it. I can't grade. So I'm going to do other digital writing, digital creation; I'm going to engage with things I care about--with things that matter to me. I'll try to help make the world a better place.
That rage hasn't left. That rage is still so angry that it knows that I have no choice left but to do something, to be productive, and to challenge paternalistic and oligarchical power. Doing it out of love and the rage born of bearing witness to violence, cruelty, and abuse.
I may love and rage, but my students shouldn't have to feel impacts because some 20 year kid murdered my son because the killer felt disrespected.